Oath of Masculinity: A Paladin Subclass

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Oath of Masculinity

What up!!! We’re cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna swear an oath of masculinity in our party mansion. Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged, if you’re fat you should be able to find humor in the little things. Again, NOTHING SEXUAL.

Tenets of Masculinity

The tenets of the Oath of Masculinity are both hyper and toxic, composed by a hidden fragility and repulsion to the subject of sexual orientation.

Bros Before Hoes. Always put your dudebros on top. Or bottom, if they’re power bottoms.
Protect Your Mates. Give strangers ocular pat downs, assess the security risk, retain order, and clear nonthreatening individuals for passage.
Don’t Be a Jabroni. Losers fail. Failures get punished. Compete to win. Only winners are loved.
Larger Than Life. Always seek gains, admire beefcake, become the monster.
Aspire to Badassery. Ride fast horses, perform sweet stunts, wear a duster.

Oath of Masculinity Spells
Paladin LevelSpells
3rdalarmgrease
5thalter selfsuggestion
9thblinding smite, fear
13thconfusionpolymorph
17thimmolationmislead

Channel Divinity

When you take this oath at 3rd level, you gain the following two Channel Divinity options.

Look Like a Bitch. When a creature you can see and hear makes any kind of claim or argument, you can as a reaction counter their claim with stubborn, dickish denial, cherry-picked evidence, and nationalistic pride. The creature must succeed on a Charisma saving throw against your spell save DC, or else look like a bitch for 1 minute. They have disadvantage on attack rolls, ability checks, and saving throws for the duration, and can repeat the saving throw (without disadvantage) at the end of each of their turns. If the creature’s argument was based on any kind of scientific principle or axiom, they have disadvantage on their saving throws to end this effect. You also gain advantage on Charisma checks on creatures that would have otherwise believed in the target’s claim.
Cultivate Mass. You can as an Action cast enlarge/reduce on yourself without expending a spell slot or requiring concentration. You must choose the enlarge option.

Aura of Testosterone

Beginning at 7th level, you emanate an invisible mist of fight milk that boosts the aggressiveness of yourself and those around you.

You and friendly creatures within 10 feet of you are immune the effects of the calm emotions spell, and gain advantage on attack rolls while in a frenzied, excited state, such as under a Barbarian’s Rage or the Frightened condition.

At 18th level, the range of this aura increases to 30 feet.

Avatar

By 15th level, you discover you’ve peaked. You gain fifty pounds, and while you have this weight you can cast the spell conjure celestial at 7th level without expending a spell slot. The celestial takes on the appearance of an idealized version of yourself. Once you use this feature, you cannot do so again until the end of your next long rest.

The Nightman

At 20th level, you can assume the form of an evil spirit of the night. Using your action, you undergo a transformation. For 1 minute, you gain the following benefits:

  • Your clothing and armor change color to black and your eyes turn yellow and change into the shape of a cat’s.
  • You gain darkvision out to 120 feet.
  • As an action, you can hiss, snap your fingers, and do some sweet karate moves, casting Tasha’s Hideous Laughter against any number of creatures of your choice within 30 feet of you without expending a spell slot. The targets must be able to hear and see you. On subsequent turns, you can use your Action continue the effect on affected creatures as well as target new creatures. If you do not, then the effect ends on all affected creatures at the end of your turn.

Background

Bar Owner

You grew up in a broken home. Your parents were either incarcerated or apathetic to your existence. You found solace in the religion of your upbringing and the companionship of other children in similar circumstances. You later founded a bar with these friends, in which you became the self-appointed chief of security.
You had a blast running around, pulling schemes, showing off those glamor muscles, occasionally destroying the lives of passerby around you, even when your friends were eating stickers, putting you down for gaining weight, saying they would much more prefer you to be open about being gay (which you’re not!), and being a disgusting, unfunny “bird”. But there was a Dennis-shaped hole in your life that you needed filling, and so you left the bar in search of the men that would fill it.

Skill Proficiencies: Deception, Religion
Tool Proficiencies: Brewer’s Tools
Equipment: A holy book, a 6-pack of beer, (1) dick towel, a jug of Fight Milk (drinking it causes the poisoned condition for 4 hours), a bottle of body oil (for rubbing on beefcakes), and a pouch containing 15 gp (bar profits).

Feature: Gym Membership

As a frequenter of gyms, muscle beaches, martial arts dojos, body building competitions, and that gay bar down the street called “The Rainbow” (No Questions), you have become well acquainted with communities of bears, beefcakes, and power bottoms. You are welcome at most any place that is fueled by testosterone and man-sweat, such as at the aforementioned locations plus fighter’s guilds, bounty hunter shops, wagon-stop outhouses, and any other locale that may be suffuse with strong and gay men. You and any guests you bring are offered free food and lodging, assuming that you and they return the favor with some vigorous body oil rubbing.

Suggested Characteristics

  d4    Personality Trait
1I am passionate and aggressive, the first to draw a sword and the last to sheathe it.
2I am incredibly competitive and eager to boast about my physical prowess.
3I ritually punish myself for my failures.
4Violence is my answer to almost any challenge.
  d3    Ideal
1Faith. God’s wrath is like God’s love, hard and fast. (Lawful)
2Growth. The larger you are in mass, the larger you are in life. (Neutral)
3Validation. Only winners deserve love and respect. (Evil)
  d3    Bond
1I will protect my mates, no matter how many people I have to hurt to do so.
2My father loves me, and someday I will get him to say so.
3I am guided by the words of my god, or at least the ones I cherry-pick to fit my needs.
  d4    Flaw
1I’m in denial about virtually every aspect of my life.
2I can’t bear to look someone in the eye when confronting them.
3I’m easily flattered and can be manipulated to do almost anything with the right nudging.
4Violence is my answer to almost any challenge

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